It’s been six years since you first opened your little eyes in this strange world and with screams of protest announced to us that Lyric Hallel Katrine was here ready to transform our lives.
I was a twenty-three year old baby when I held you that night and stared into your deep blue eyes. I remember feeling a deep seeded doubt at my abilities as I had never been extremely maternal. The fun aunt, absolutely, but the nurturer? I had no idea if I could be all that you needed me to be, but I knew I would be willing to give up my life trying.
The funny thing is we grew together. Each milestone you made I was reaching my own. You and I maneuvered the ups and downs like a buoy in the waves, clinging to each other for affirmation and acceptance.
All the while I was determined to be the best for you because you didn’t ask to be born and you could not control who was your mother, but I wanted you to be proud of me. To look back on your childhood with memories dancing in your eyes and a smile playing on your lips.
I am who I am today because of you. Because you showed me that cuddles and kisses and tickles and whispers can be evoked so genuinely from my heart. A heart that I once doubted ever had the capacity to love fully and deeply. You’ve exposed a sensitive and emotional part of me that I did not know was there, but can now never be lost again because with you and your brothers, I have a part of my heart now living outside of me.
I can’t look at you without smiling, I can’t describe how proud I am of you without my eyes stinging with tears.
You are everything I ever wanted in a daughter. You are thoughtful and intelligent. You are beautiful and kind. You love with every fiber of your being and your curiosity and thirst for knowledge echoes something in my own soul.
You have a defined sense of right and wrong and the rules are NOT made to be broken because you have asked the questions to understand why the rules were put in place.
I love to laugh with you and how every night you won’t go to sleep without your lullaby.
I love how no matter what pants we buy, you always show a little too much derrière.
I love how caring you are to your brothers and how I laugh every time I hear you threaten to put them in time out. You definitely think you are old enough to do so because in your own words “I don’t know why, but I just feel like I am the boss.”
Your observations on the world around you is so unique and finely crafted that I love to hear your opinion on things because it is always so funny. We talk about current events and social stigmas. I explain everything truthfully to you no matter what you ask. You’ve caused me to really think about the things I believe in because to explain them to an innocent mind I want to do so in a way that does not paint any of my own life experience, bias or prejudice in order to give you an open minded response and allow you to develop your own opinions.
You’re obsessed with horses to the max. You have a stick horse that you ride throughout the day and you set up jumps in the hallway. Even if you don’t have your stick horse, you canter every where you go. For your birthday, your Vandeput family all chipped in and we got you horse back riding lessons. The word excited could not begin to express how happy you are about your upcoming lessons!
You speak French fluently and it makes me so proud to see you switching between languages with such ease and confidence. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times, I think you’re a genius! You learned how to read in English and you are doing such an incredible job. I have no idea how a six year old learns two languages at the same time, but you are amazing and astound me!
Your best friend is still your cousin Madysen who moved back to Texas about six months ago. This has been a very hard transition for you, but you are a champ.
You also love your American Girl doll Stevie who you got for Christmas. She goes every where with you and feeds your imagination.
I could go on and on because you are such a treasure to your daddy and me. You are one of the greatest joys of my life and our relationship gives me confidence that we really can have one of those mother/daughter relationships that I want so desperately to have with you. We can be that mother and daughter who love and respect each other, always giving room for the other’s voice, but respecting the roles we were born with.
My beautiful daughter, this is what I promise you: I promise to listen. Not just to the words that come out of your mouth, but also to the words unspoken. There will be times when words can’t express a pain so deep that only tears and sobs soothe your soul. There will be time you feel angry and lash out to wound, when you’re insecure and are trying desperately to be strong, when you are sad and can’t find words to speak, when you are depressed and struggle to get out of bed, when you are so happy that you can’t stop giggling, when you are overwhelmed with gratefulness and feel content. Life is a constant barrage of emotions. Some are easy to process and some feel impossible to express. I want you to always know that I’ll always be there to hold you close and speak peace or fun or love or encouragement to your heart with momma’s whispers. From the mountain to the valley, I am here and we’ll walk through this life together.
I love you my sweet beautiful stinky-face,